Dread and Panic

“And now that you have won your will, you begin to see another side to the thing.  Did you imagine it would bring you happiness?  Is that why you wanted it so badly?”

“No” I protested quickly.  “It is just that I am beginning to understand how much I am leaving behind when I go”.  

(Byzantium, Stephen R. Lawhead)

How dare I leave my godchild before he starts speaking?  What if my relatives can’t handle things without me?  What if my parents lose the legal papers I asked them to safeguard?  What if Spain kicks me out over a paper I didn’t know I needed?

My anxiety skyrocketed this afternoon.  After 12 months of preparing to live abroad.  My flight leaves home in 8 days and I feel sick with stress. I know that I want to make this move and I know I will choose to make it, but today my sadness and fear are clearer than my ambitions.  

The sadness is hidden.  I would like to evaluate it and look at the whys of it, but it is too painful right now.  So it is only revealed in glimpses.  Pangs of pain vaguely connected to the fact that I will go months without seeing the faces of those I love.  For now the anxiety dominates.

And at times the anxiety reaches the level of dread and panic.  I dread my new financial situation.  I fear, rather unreasonably, that a wrong move could bankrupt me.  I find myself pacing aimlessly trying to think of projects for the now that will ensure my happiness, safety, and comfort in Spain. 

That is the crux of it all.  I am seeking the unattainable.  No man can secure future based health and wellness.  People can just barely manage daily well-being.  Even that is wrecked with one unexpected sickness or injury.  

The best response I can think of is to stay in my path to Spain with prayer and reasonable preparation.  To drink in the remaining opportunities I have to laugh and relax with my family and loved ones.  To share my heart with the people I trust - in Spain and where I am now.   And to remember the blessings ahead of me.