A Tiny Fear That Rules Me
There are some moments of fear that I conquered and they led to amazing experiences. When I was 12 I ignored my fear of falling to my death and I decided I would start riding roller coasters. When I was 26 I opposed fear of the unknown and took a three week solo trip to Chile. When I was 32 I gave my heart away to my fiance.
So why was I lying in bed this morning too scared to tell my neighbors that they were keeping me awake at 2:30am? My fear measures are faulty. I see more danger than realistic in social situations. As my university professor Dr. Baron King would say, my mind thinks "life depends on" people liking me. Friends, enemies, jerks, saints;I long for everyone to think well of me.
God is ridding me of this fear bit by bit. Early in the process I realized that it is okay, ethical, healthy, to tell people things they will not like to hear. Offense does not mean wrong doing. Needs should be expressed and expectations should be voiced. This is all part of healthy community living. I started trying this out. Speaking more openly with an especially trusted family member, making unpopular statements in the safety of my best friends, correcting student behavior with the added motivation that the guidance was part of my paycheck.
At 3:15am I was fed up with suffering out of fear. I tried shushing my neighbors. They had been seated on the shared terrace outside my open window chatting for 45 minutes. I tried telepathically asking them to shut up and let me sleep. Psychic communication failed me. I got out of bed and stumbled to the window. I compiled my best Spanish and stuttered a grumpy attempt at "Neighbors, it's very late. You can move away from the window. Move to your left where there is no window. It is VERY LATE.". They did not move as I crawled back into bed, but shortly thereafter they left the rooftop. I felt moderately proud of facing my fear and majorly disoriented by sleepiness.
The fear that others will not like me has ruled me far too long. I am so glad I am leaving this fear behind me bit by bit and moving into a healthier lifestyle. Sometimes small fears hold us prisoner more than great ones. Sometimes we do not realize how limiting the small fears are. Walk with me step by step, out of fear and into freedom.
