Holding Pain Well

  Six months ago I was thrown into a wall by a large frightened man in a hospital. I was taken by ambulance to an examination room and I recieved a CT scan of my neck and back. No permanent damage was observable. But for the last 6 months I have had limits and pains the CT scan did not predict.

     This month I needed to renew my job as a classroom helper in Madrid, Spain. I love this work and I longed to guarantee a second year placement. Some every day but oddly numerous circumstances slowed my application down 3 weeks. Before I fell asleep last night I saw a small note - I am a week beyond the guaranteed renewal and now my application is acceptable but not prioritized.

     I spent today teaching students things I am passionate about and doing the non-classroom work of my job.  I was surrounded by beauty - the first sun of Spring weather, the spirits of the kids, kind words of my coworkers. I enjoyed a lot of what I lived, but I allowed my pain to distract me from some of what I could have enjoyed.  

     I want to hold my pain like a dog on a leash. I want to feel if it gets out of control. I want to gently pull it back into place so that neither of us is drawn off course. But as much as I can I want my pain to walk beside me; I want to admit it is present and I want to supervise it, but I do not want to carry it in my arms.  

 This is a half formed theory, but I think doing this right will change every day that I live. For many years I lived with so little pain that I could usually ignore any that I felt. As a grown man, I carry pains that I picked up from living life fully. I want to manage that pain in a healthy way so that I can both use the wisdom it brings and enjoy all the beauty around me.