Maybe you should just stay home…

6 months into anything, I start to feel discouraged.  The thrill of change is gone.  The crisis of re-learning slows to a steady effort.  I miss the people I moved away from.  I learn the difficulties of my new role.  I am 8 months into my move across the Atlantic.  So I am going to tell you some of the reasons I noticed that a person might be happier staying  home.  And by staying home I mean not moving away from the country.  Visiting other places, but always keeping the residence in the mother-land.

On a practical note, the paperwork of changing countries is a constant stressor.  The first years abroad are often granted in short permissions.  I received a one year permission to reside in Spain.  About halfway through the year I had to find a way to be granted another year long stay.  It is mentally challenging to live somewhere and wonder if you will get kicked out when your papers expire.  And mine was a privileged move with choice and finances.

In addition to the paperwork to live abroad, finding a good income is very tricky.  It is doable possible here in Spain, but the additional legal considerations are overwhelming.  A person in a new country needs to figure out which government(s) they owe taxes to, what work permission they have or do not have, and how they are going to convince an employer to sponsor the next permission to reside in the country.  

I am also  convinced that fitting in abroad is a myth.  Despite practicing the local language 15 years, I am immediately recognizable as an outsider.  Many times I am happy to play this role and my community here shows me love and support despite my foreignness.  But from time to time the sense of being separate hurts a lot.  I feel it most during meals when everyone is laughing at jokes I almost understood but did not quite catch.  Or at celebrations when there is no one I completely relate to and I feel very different from everyone as I chat and visit.

Beyond the individual challenges, your family needs you and you need them.  If no one practically needs you now, someone will while you are abroad.  And the hard thing is that moving abroad usually involves a commitment to a job or community.  You can’t hop a plane and leave unless there’s some kind of emergency need and leaving means losing the sub-par income you found abroad. You might not find a way to regain that job in the future.  You really need your family too even if you feel a strong call to explore and spread your wings.

All of these reasons might show you that you are better off staying home.  If you have anything less than a strong desire to live in another country, do not force yourself to make the move.  If you do have that strong desire, or divine guidance to make the move - go taking care of yourself.  Prepare for the hardships of the factors above.  Keep yourself connected to people you love.   I think my fate is to be in Spain for this span of time.  I have also found so much happiness here, that the painful things are fairly easy to bear.   This will not be everyone’s experience.  Moving to a new country requires bravery and a willingness to take big risks.  But living with purpose in the country of your grandparents’ requires the same admirable traits.  

Hooks in my Routine

A hook is a regular occurrence in your life that initiates a routine. It is not clock based but instead it is based on actions, location, or situation. They are figurative places on which we figuratively hang our habits.  Many of the hooks I keep in my life are crucial for bringing me peace.  All hooks are neglected at some point whether for a day or for years.  Because they are enforced by routine, re-initiating a hook is quite doable.

At various points in my life I have used the hook of waking up to practice gratitude. I pray 3 thank yous before I get ready for work. I aim to make these thank yous simple and avoid the many stressful topics that await me every morning. I share gratitude for things like a good bed, a strong body, a warm flat.

A loved one who helps me care for the world recently gifted me a reusable water bottle.  I remember to fill it at the end of my  packing hook.  This hook includes putting some change in my pocket and placing my wallet, phone, pens, and keys in my pants.  Then I check my bag for the materials I will need to teach the day´s lessons.  On an organized day, I fill my water bottle right after I pack my bag.  This prepares me for a more comfortable hour-long commute to work and gives me a ready-packed drink for my big breakfast.

On a work day the park is my next crucial hook.  I  look at my phone on the way out my front door to check messages and reply to anything pressing.  Anything that is undone in the three minutes it takes me to reach the park must wait until the metro.  My phone goes away and I take time to think.  I walk through the park for 10 minutes on the way to my metro.  I try to find one coherent reflection for the walk whether it is a decision I need to make in the next few days, or an evaluation of the recent past.   

Arrival is one of my favorite hooks on a work day.  As soon as I get to my school I purchase a large 2 Euro breakfast at the school cafe.  I take it outside and eat in silence.  I do not allow myself to do any problem solving or planning during breakfast.  It is a time for stillness and for waving at any students that pass by my picnic.  My favorite memories of my arrival hook are the cold winter mornings when the sun was rising just as I finished my breakfast.  The darkness lent an extra layer of peace, and the steaming heat of the breakfast made it all the more beautiful in the winter chill. 

Ideally, the last hook in my day is saying goodbye to my fiance and her mom before I walk home to sleep.  We talk to God for a few minutes together to ask for guidance and share gratitude.  I give my mother-in-law  two Spanish kisses and my fiance walks me to the door.  I kiss her goodnight and she waves to me from the window when I get downstairs.  

I cherish the peace of these special hooks in my routine. Using them brings normalcy to the very abnormal situation of living outside of my birth country. I feel a holistic wellness resulting from their practice.

  Special thanks to Bruce Bundy for helping me to learn to identify and use hooks in my routine.

Names

Mine means famous. It has never quite fit with my personality. Admired or appreciated I could have lived up to, but I have always belonged in small crowds of close-knit journeys. Mine is also the legacy of my father, and it is a name I am proud to share.

In Spain names have been a strange experience. I ask people their name two or three times when they introduce themself. First I try to hear a name I know as existing and then I try to repeat most of the subtleties of their pronunciation. Some names signal enmity between my ancestors and the ancestors of the person I am meeting.  I tell myself, nearly audibly, "This is not your enemy. Be friendly."

In Spain I struggle much more with names.  I believe part of it is the double memory associated with my name learning here. In Pennsylvania I only remember which pre-made box someone's name belongs in "John, Michael, Deeana. In Spain the boxes are still unformed and names like "JuanJo" that I learn at work begin an enitirely new mental name box.

This year I am putting massive amounts of memory energy into knowing the names of people in my school and in my town. This effort brings the last reflection I want to share. When I remember a student's name for the first time, there is a magical moment. The student feels appreciated and cared for and I feel like I see them as an individual. It is frequently marked by the student exclaiming "you remembered my name" or expressing a satisfied surprise in being known. Every challenge in life is punctuated by moments of happiness and this amazing type of moment is only formed in the respectful meeting of two vastly different cultures.

Less Worried

For years I have been seeking a healthier response to fear.  It is not a natural change for me.  Jesus says that the birds have food without gathering and I ask myself “What about the bird I saw being eaten by ants?”  I tell myself that God will bless me, but I mentally replay those stories where someone finally started their life calling and was found dead the next morning.  I cannot seem to eclipse my fear with promises of provision.  In part because really really unpleasant things happen in the midst of God’s provision.

Working definition: anxiety is non-contentedness caused by uncertainty about future outcomes.  We are disturbed as we wait for results we cannot predict because we know they might not be favorable.  I have lost an immense amount of happiness to the fear of the future and the distracted thinking that takes me mentally far away from the goodness of the present.  Sometimes in the middle of beautiful time with family or part-way through a favorite hobby, my brain twitches and I lose my contentedness to a barrage of nagging worries.

I do not respond to anxiety with wisdom.  It is as if I place possible future outcomes under a microscope and examine the unpleasant ones obsessively.  This was previously beneficial for my performance at work and school because I identified all the safeguards I would need to ensure I succeeded.  Unfortunately, my post-teenage energy is not sufficient to oppose all the possible negative outcomes of my adult circumstances.  Now there are so many possible outcomes in my day and even hour, that I can only pay attention to a portion of them.  

I found a quick fix and I think it connects to a more holistic resolution.  I realized I can momentarily oppose anxiety by being grateful.  I place previously lived pleasant experiences under my mental microscope and focus on them.   I tell myself that I have been blessed with so many pleasant experiences that I would be a blessed man even if I died today.  I try to note my life in Christ as well and remind myself that this blessing outweighs any evil I may encounter.  My developing habit is helpful and I think it is part of a larger habit I need to practice: viewing God as an intimately involved, close-at-hand, and caring Father.  This Father trust is my best understanding of the ideal response to anxiety in our lives.  

Sameness

I moved into a new apartment.  My 4th residence in 10 months.  All for good reasons, things I could never regret stretching to reach.  But in this 4th place, I felt an unexpected desire for sameness.  And it entered my soul from my roomate’s morning routine.  

I was at the living room table, doing a devo and getting ready to do some homework.  I was fresh off a move from a townhouse stay with a family friend.  Shortly returned from an adventure in Spain.  Inconsistency was a staple in my experience diet.  I saw my roommate walk into the living room that day.  He made himself a couple eggs, he took his homemade lunch out of the fridge, and he buttoned up his work shirt.   He had a sameness to his lifestyle that made me jealous.  

I will always live by the variety for life-spice motto.  I long for days with controlled surprises and weeks that are unformed until they happen.  In the midst of that lifestyle I have decided I want some routine in my life.  Thanks Roomie Matt :-)

The lunch-sight enlightenment magnified a desire and cemented my intentions for some routines I had newly started.  One that was in motion already was my gratefulness to God morning reflection.  I try to sleepily mutter four or five specific thank yous to God as soon as I stand up out of bed.  It’s sappier and happier than a previous habit I had practiced - cursing to myself and wishing I was not awake.  The second already formed routine was more practical but super helpful - every work day I make two meat and cheese sandwiches and throw them in my workbag with some cookies and some chocolate.  

Since moving to my newest apartment I added a few more routines.  I walk the pathway around our complex most days of the week.  Sometimes I invite a roomie, sometimes I think and pray.  I love it.  And it’s literally right outside my door.  Secondly, I started doing pullups every other day.  It’s because I have childhood memories of hanging from a bar dejectedly while my gym teacher told me how important it is to be able to do a pullup, and because I have a weakened back I want to attend to, and because I want to be strong.  I love my new routines.  They bring a peace to my life and a rhythm.  Even the knowledge of these routines existing mellows me out and gives me fresh energy.  I am so glad I added some sameness to my life and decided to carve out these patterns.  I think my life has changed because of them and I am excited to keep practicing the routine rhythm.

EChO

EChO (Endurance, Character, Hope)

Years back I wrote this off as over-simplified.  Sure, we gain hope when we suffer; but to list a chain of production from suffering to hope seemed too perfect.  I forged ahead with my emptier philosophy of life.  But from the vantage point of 31 years lived, This short piece of the text has become one of my most cherished writings.  

The opening words of this claim force us back to the statement preceding it: “we rejoice in hope of the glory of God”.  The context is hope.  A hope described in a way that makes me think of future victory when my God defeats evil in a new and final way.  The word glory also makes me think of power and goodness.  I take comfort during life’s stressors, that my God is strong and righteous.  

The thrust of the next thought is jarring: “We rejoice in our sufferings”.  How can that happen? Feeling delight in experiencing pain sounds like a sick way of life. Even rejoicing while suffering seems borderline ridiculous.  A great hope is required for this rejoicing to be appropriate.  A hope that will be identified at the end of the thought.

Next we see the meta chain the ancient author lays out for us.  I do not think it is intended to describe every circumstance every time, I do think it lays out a powerful reality.  When we suffer, we gain the ability to endure.  In enduring, we build character we never knew before.  By our new character we gain hope.

I love the closing piece.  The hope we gain will not embarrass us.  It will not let us down once we finally decide it can hold us up.  And we know this because God’s love is flowing through our beings by the Holy Spirit who we received.  

ESV from Romans 5

“...we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us”

where is hope?

I claimed that hope did not exist

“It’s folly for the weak”

you took my hand and closed my mouth

you would not let me speak

you showed me flowers blooming

I told you they would fade

you spoke of grass the greenest and

I scoffed “It will not stay”

“None of these can hold my hope

No, everything will die!”

my comment brought your mouth a frown

a tear drop stained your eye

silence built between our hearts

until you whispered

of human souls, dark and vast

of love without an end

and a God that came and suffered

Fewer Dragons

Dragons in need of slaying are scarcer than one might think.

Most of them are really just bothersome lizards

whispered into fire-nostriled beasts,

multiplied in size by man’s self centered nature,

given wings by a strange belief that things should go the way one plans for them to go,

or made to seem as tyrants by some other foolish way of our kind.

a lowly heart

crippled until I crawl to You

did You know that I wouldn’t come standing?

whispering my frustration

after “glorious” “independence”

I am not convinced that You want to heal me of this

but I do believe that You want to use me,

for something good.

Busily Bustling

busily bustling will bring us to boredom

constantly continuing what must be accomplished

scared to cease successful stepping

fearing failure from choice to refrain

does abstaining from advancing always deserve admonishment?

dreaming as we drudge dizzily through disheartening days

forever favoring full schedules that fake furthering progress

being busy helps us believe we are behaving productively

Bonhoeffer

the sirens that called to Bonhoeffer

have woken me from my sleep

annoyed, I rub my face and eyes

and venture back under my sheets

“can’t you see that I am satisfied

with moldy bread and rotten cheese?

can’t you see that I am satisfied

with doing things the way I please?

I’d rather live a hundred years

of boring, selfish gain

than risk a loss of all my years

in the midst of your beauty and pain

so quiet your voices, ye Sirens,

and leave me to my sleep

with mansions and cable and fences

and the restless counting of sheep”

AT Day Hike PA 248

Day Hiking the AT is one of my favorite past-times when I visit Carbon County.  My sister and I love finding access points and covering previously unseen miles.  There is a 20 mile stretch of trail from Route 309 in Lynnport to Blue Mountain Drive in  Danielsville that hosts our most well-known AT paths.  The toughest portion of this stretch that we have encountered is at the entrance next to the Slatington Bridge.  I am referring to the trail portion immediately off of 248, Northeast of the Lehigh River (40.782948392, -75.6038412117).  It is a ridiculously rocky, excitingly challenging hike that is approximately 1 hour to the summit. 

This portion of the trail is a small part of the journey through the Kittatinny Ridge.  The ridge runs through PA in its course from Maryland to New Jersey.  Locally, the mountains offer scenic views of the Lehigh River and a variety of intentionally placed plant species brought in for restoration after Zinc pollution.  

The 248 trail is one of my favorite places to explore when I am  ready for a  significant challenge.  After a steep dirt entrance ramp, the hike begins in a small parking area of loose gravel.  You see the base of the mountain immediately in front of you although much of the trail is obscured by trees and rock faces.  The first twenty minutes of the hike will take you on a steep but pleasant climb into the mountain.  You will pass a nice view point  of the river from a clearing immediately off the path, but know that more beautiful views await you.  20 minutes into the hike you will reach the first of a few places that will require using your hands and feet for a  very short but nearly vertical climb.  No part of this hike will require climbing gear beyond a good pair of boots and sturdy pants, but you will be forced to pull yourself up and  lower yourself down over some very large rocks.  

From the first boulder requiring a hands and feet climb, you will continue for about 20 minutes on the toughest portion of this hike.  Much of this portion will require you to hike loose  boulders and rocks with some peril of injury if you miss your food placement.  On my most recent experience I constantly regretted my decision to carry an extra jacket under my arm since balance and attention are crucial to making enjoyable progress through the rock field.  Some of the hike through the rocks will be quite horizontal but much will involve a steady climb in elevation.  There a number of boulders large enough to use as a seat for a water break or even a romantic conversation mid-climb.  A dramatic change in scenery will signal the end of the rock field with a quick return to forested land. 

When you enter the forested land at the end of the rock field you are about 5 minutes away from summiting.  Unfortunately, you will not have any more vistas between this point and the highest elevation of the hike.  The trail will now climb gradually in dense trees and mountain grass.  There is no clear moment that signals the climax in elevation.  Instead you will climb and descend subtly as you come to the top of the mountain.  At the summit you are approximately 5 miles from the next parking access to the AT, but I have not explored this portion of the trail.  Typically for this hike I finish by retracing my steps down the mountain.  Note that from my experience, it takes longer to return down the hill than it took to summit.

Epic Steps

One of my all time favorite concepts has an origin I can’t quite wrap my head around.  It showed up on a website that was talking about television cliches and led me to a wikipedia article.  These are not my typical rabbit trails.  But the concept is philosophical gold.  

The idea is that our favorite epics have a perfect pattern - one that you almost can’t avoid.  Lord of the Rings, Spiderman, Mulan.  Every plot depicts a core cycle, so the theory goes, and the cycle will repeat as long as tales are told.  The cycle is character based, but it can repeat or replicate many times in a single work.  Sometimes it is shared and other times it is shouldered by a single hero.

“The Hero’s Journey” is credited to Joseph Campbell and his writing explaining the “monomyth”.  It was published in his book from 1949, at least 60 years before the concept fluttered onto my oversized college laptop.  For an idealistic moment I tried to access and digest his original work, but practicality took over and I learned about the monomyth from this website

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheHerosJourney

And this wikipedia article

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hero%27s_journey

I took this hodgepodge of cliches and patterns,  sloshed it together with a wild theory that we live the monomyth, and sprinkled in some philosophy of memoirist Donald Miller.  I walked out with a palatable but mysterious new perspective:

My day to day decisions are contributing to a story and I am walking around in a real life epic.  My last failed romance walked the monomyth circle and my next great adventure will follow the same loop.  A quick wit and an attractive figure invited me into an attempt to find love.  A kind motherly figure in my community showed me the path to lasting romance and her pet dogs joined my journey to keep me company.  A call and a mentor, companions that soothe the pains of drama. Do you see it all in the graphic?  I leapt to the death and rebirth experience when I realized the combination of our two beautiful personalities created something toxic. I panicked, tried to keep afloat, and eventually ended the romance that had been blooming in the field and re-entered my singleness with a new understanding of myself and young adulthood.

I think we are living the monomyth every day.  Life is an epic and remembering this makes me want to spend mine magnificently.  I know I am not a superhero, a savior in a dystopian world, or a long awaited prince.  Even so, I think I see clues of my future in the phases of the monomyth cycle.  And I love making choices that affect the way my character will experience the phases of my story.