Easter Eggs
Just those two words bring so many colors and memories to my mind. For years of my childhood I would stroll through the neighborhood with the other little kids stopping at three or four borrowed backyards. A week or so before Easter they were filled with neon colored eggs. First the 5 year olds, then the 6-9 year olds, then the 10 year and older kids. We would each sprint through our designated plot of land, grabbing little shiny eggs and stuffing them in our wicker baskets. It’s the kind of memory that feels like a 1900s television show.
My wife and I wanted to live this tradition in Madrid, so this year we put a plan in motion. Our church had 130 plastic eggs and we bought 70 more. We baked and decorated dozens of cookies shaped like rabbits, chicks, and more rabbits. We searched the candy aisles for tiny candies and we filled those 200 eggs with sugar.
There is this beautiful section of our local park called Pinar de las Siete Hermanas. It has massive pine trees that look like giant stalks of broccoli. There are no leaves until the tops and the upmost parts are full of dense green. We chose it for our hunt and picked out boundaries for our game.
The day of the event was trickier than we expected. I had to lug a table from our church to our home which would then be drug to the park. We needed drinks and snacks and blankets and none of us have a car. But everything worked out super well. We propped the table on the skeleton of our grocery getter cart. (If you are in the US you might wonder what in the world that is. If you live in Madrid you definitely own at least one.) We stuffed drinks and snacks into our second grocery getter cart and into the wheely backpack we bought Jeni for her last three months of pregnancy. Two of the girls from our youth-group met us at our bus stop and we strolled to and through the park like a migratory people group.
We hid soooo many eggs! And bit by bit our invited guests showed up. Many were surprised by how far the walk was to enter this section of park, but everyone had a blast once the event began. The kids loved searching for eggs and we let the adults help to finish off the hunt to make sure little to no candy was wasted.
After all the eggs were found, we hosted a prize giveaway in connection with some special eggs that teach the celebration of this holiday. The wild, astounding belief that God became human, was killed by people who would not accept His teachings, and came back to life to conquer death for all time. I am awestruck by the meaning of Easter!
It was such a blast to relive my childhood Easter Egg Hunts - this time by sharing the experience with some local kids from our neighborhood. If this story brings back memories for you, you still have a few days to plan your own Easter Egg event!
I think it’s joy
I’m not really sure what joy is. I feel silly admitting that because the people around me have been celebrating joy my whole life. And I know that I have joy. I’m just not sure what part of what I have in me it is.
I decided to think about joy and feel joy and talk about joy for the next 79 days. I started at 90 and today I’m at 79. It’s the number of days of work Jeni has left before pregnancy/maternity leave and I figured this will be a powerful encouragement for us during some physically tiring days. And keeping the idea of joy present around me has helped me sense it more clearly.
I looked up the word to help me live out joy for the time of special focus.
“the emotion evoked by well-being … good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires” (Merriam Webster Online)
“Well-being” or “good fortune” is a super cool thing to appreciate. I realized that most days of my life I have been stressed about keeping my well-being. Making sure I earn money, exercise, don’t get sick, network. I am always trying to keep it, but I don't usually enjoy all the well being I have. So these first 11 days of joy I’ve been literally celebrating my well-being. “I really like that I can walk to the park from our apartment. And now I know I am a five minute walk from my new guitar classes.” I say out loud to Jeni on our nightly stroll.
As I say it, some little piece of my brain processes the pleasure of that well-being three different times. Once to think of it, once to say it, once to physically hear it in my own voice.
It feels weird to say things that are obviously true out loud, but it feels good. I try it with a more important one “It’s so cool that we are going to have a baby. And we have a place to live.¨ Pleasing once, pleasing twice, pleasing three times.
In 11 days of trying this behavior based growth out, I already feel more conscious of my well being and my good fortune.
There is another piece of joy for me too, divinely powered. This experience of joy is strange but spectacular. I have joy in me that grows as I communicate with God. It’s a joy from being loved and being protected. God fills me with joy as I share my thoughts with Him, reflect on His presence, and seek to sense His messages to my heart. This joy also comes as I read Scripture that shows me what He is like.
This experience of joy is really special because it is possible regardless of circumstances. I think it’s the unnamed factor in an ancient letter that said “I found out how to be content. When I’m hungry and when I’m full. When I’ve got everything I need and when things are lacking. Now I’m content now matter how things go.”
So far living out both of these pieces of joy has been a pleasant and noticeably different experience. I love doing it as an attempt to gain strength for this period of life and I think it is also preparing me for my life experience after the birth of the baby! I am curious if the benefit of thinking about joy, feeling joy, and speaking about joy more will multiply with time or have a decreasing effect. That remains to be discovered.
Doubt Comes In
Orpheus had walked the unending path into Hell and found his lost lover. Seduced by the promise of warmth and security, Eurydice was bound below with the lustful heart of Hades. After a raucous power struggle, Hades grants the young couple a chance to leave the Underworld. And now they are traveling home with one great stipulation: if Orpheus loses faith Eurydice returns to Hell for the rest of eternity.
So the song is set, with the title Doubt Comes In. Featured in the Musical Hadestown. Orpheus and Eurydice sing as they walk out of Hell single file. Single file to facilitate the test. Orpheus must trust that Eurydice is behind him, following him home. If he turns around to look behind him, she is damned.
“Who am I?” Orpheus sighs. “Why am I all alone?” “Who am I to think that she would follow me?¨
The mellifluous voice of Eurydice is heard by the audience but not by her lover. “Orpheus, you are not alone. I am right behind you. And I have been all along.”
The sound of something between a gentle glimmer and a crashing firework is heard as Orpheus gives in to his uncertainties. His heart leaps with joy to see that Eurydice is with him and plummets to untold depths as he realizes he has now lost her. His doubt has damned her to the underworld.
The song enthralls me because it tells an ancient truth. Man is not strong enough to rescue his own kind. We improve the lives of the people we love and at times it feels like we can rescue them from all that haunts them. But history shows again and again that humans cannot rescue their own kind.
Beyond the universal application, this week I feel a doubt like Orpheus. The Spanish government just informed me that my request to reside here as a student-teacher was denied. I have been waiting 8 months for these results, sure that they would be favorable.
The denial is just powerful enough to make me question my being here. “Who am I?” “Why do I feel so alone?” “Who am I to think that I could build a life in a place so far from home?”
A doubt similar to Orpheus’ attacks my strong conviction that I am meant to be in Spain this year. That the hopes of my wife and I and the guidance of a good God have kept us in Madrid. That this city is the place for the stories of our immediate future.
But there is a second song I love. From a totally different story and genre. The bluegrass rock band Mumford and Sons released it in 2009. And it shouts “Hold on to what you believed in the light, when the darkness has robbed you of all your sight.” IF (and that is a critical IF) our hopes are in something true and sufficiently powerful, the darkness does not damn us. If something extra-human can intervene, there is rescue.
Orpheus’ hope was misplaced, and in the climactic moment he lost his hope. My deepest hopes are securely placed and because of that my next step is to cling even tighter to them. To hold on to my hopes in the midst of my doubt.
edited for clarity and style February 27th
A Fever for Beauty
This weekend my wife and I went to Circulo de Bellas Artes to hear a string quartet. Surrounded by 500 glimmering candles, the members sat in a peaceful glow center stage. The candles are electric, but it creates a magnificent effect. I was settling my mind and my body when one of the members introduced their group.
I was startled to hear a name I knew - Midnight Plumbers, hosted by the company Fever. I had heard this quartet once before in a lovely hotel in Puerta del Sol. Four months ago my wife and I enjoyed their tribute to the Beatles. They interpreted the songs splendidly that day and we both left thrilled by the experience.
But this night in Circulo de Bellas Artes was singular! The instruments sang the melodies like goddesses. The players swam skillfully from note to beautiful note. What struck me the most was the sound of the violins, shrilling the high tones with perfect art.
Midnight Plumbers consists of two violins, a bass, and one viola. In this most recent concert they interpreted 15 love themes. The performance opened with “Unchained Melody” followed by two classical Disney pieces. “Your Song” and “City of Stars” rang out next. Shortly later Elvis’ ¨Can’t Help Falling in Love¨ transported me back to my wedding day in a beautiful tiny town in Honduras. There was a lighter moment as the crowd was invited to sing along to “All You Need is Love” and then we fell back into silence to enjoy Christina Perri’s “A Thousand Years”. I felt like I had taken an emotional and delightful journey with the musicians, and they spoiled us with two additional songs: Lady Gaga’s “Shallow” and Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On”.
Sharing this concert with my wife will be one of our favorite memories of the year. The elegant and thrilling music combined with the beauty of the ancient music hall. I discovered Midnight Plumbers accidentally through a concert app, but now I am seeking ways to hear more of them. I am eager for their next concert, becauseI am sure it will be spectacular!
I Sold My Dream Car and Bought a Baby Stroller
I sold my dream car to move to Spain. A 2018 metallic-blue Subaru Outback. All wheel drive, capable of any terrain in the continental U.S. Bachelor road trip ready. Destination vacation good to go. I felt so much freedom when I drove that thing around. And I believe there’s a piece of me my wife will never know because she never saw me in that driver’s seat plowing down snowy roads. She never saw me in that thrilling experience of lone wolf freedom and power.
This week I replaced my dream car with a baby stroller! It is hard to imagine a more drastic change. We are 4 months away from launch and Jeni found the perfect deal on wallapop. I am thrilled to say that we bought the Subaru Outback of baby strollers.
A recent model stroller in relaxing pine green (sorry baby girl). Wheels built for all sorts of terrain. The description literally explained how to adjust the setup for sand and for snow. This thing has shock absorbers, sun protection, rain protection, and power steering (okay the last one’s not true, but the rest are legit).
I think there is a part of me that hopes this stroller comes with a guarantee of some independence and freedom, a sensation like I had behind the driver’s wheel of my dream car. But I know that the next few years will be a journey away from independence, further into connected living.
Despite the new limits, I think this is going to be amazing! The journey from engagement to married life sure has been. I think I tell my wife every month “I never knew it could be like this!”
My life is full of happiness I never knew, even with the independence I left behind. Because of the independence I left behind! I think that raising a child is going to feel a bit like this first massive change. Shocking adjustments abandoning lone wolf independence, that lead to happinesses I have never known!
Reflection of the Sunset
I took a long walk today through my wooded, beautiful park. Schedules for the day had moved my weekly sunrise walk to sunset and everything was a little different with the time change. The strange trees of Madrid glowed in the last of the sun. Their bare skinny trucks bent and stretched into large plumes of green like Dr. Seuss’ Truffula trees.
Upbeat music echoed near the highest crest of one of the hills, and I paused my trek. I was curious to see that specific crest since I had not been there before, but I felt shy thinking I would probably interrupt someone trying to enjoy a smoke or a young couple taking in the golden rays. I made my way back down the dirt hill to the traditional path and continued contemplating my day and my life in the city.
I thought about my family as I walked and how we are spread so far across the world. I thought about how much I long to see my parents and my siblings and how I might be able to build a future that allows that. I shared my gratitude with God for this span of my life, because he had given me what I had asked for long ago - a chance to spend 5 years of my life in Spain.
My favorite hill came into view and I climbed simultaneously higher in altitude and deeper into the park. The climax of the first phase of this walk is always this view of the royal palace. Whether lit by night or glimpsed by day, it floats majestically in the middle distance beside the Catedral de la Almudena. This view always sparks energy inside of me and gives me a sense of perspective of my life.
The end of my trek is often Lago, a beautiful man-made pond hidden from the bustle of the city. I walked there today and paused at the edge of the water. The sun was shining into the rippling pool and I felt a strange sensation combined with a memory of a poem.
Longfellow writes about standing at a bridge in moonlight after years of pensive tension, years of feeling like life was heavy and overwhelming. He writes about the relief of that feeling being past and reflects on the way it is still playing out in the lives of those around him. Today I felt some similar kind of relief. Jeni and I have finally found our footing here in our city. We are ready to build our future and many of the wearisome steps to this life are behind us.
I will leave you with his writing, since it is public domain and the work is amazing. Maybe it will speak to your life now or to a time that is yet to come.
The Bridge By Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
I stood on the bridge at midnight,
As the clocks were striking the hour,
And the moon rose o'er the city,
Behind the dark church-tower.
I saw her bright reflection
In the waters under me,
Like a golden goblet falling
And sinking into the sea.
And far in the hazy distance
Of that lovely night in June,
The blaze of the flaming furnace
Gleamed redder than the moon.
Among the long, black rafters
The wavering shadows lay,
And the current that came from the ocean
Seemed to lift and bear them away;
As, sweeping and eddying through them,
Rose the belated tide,
And, streaming into the moonlight,
The seaweed floated wide.
And like those waters rushing
Among the wooden piers,
A flood of thoughts came o’er me
That filled my eyes with tears.
How often, O, how often,
In the days that had gone by,
I had stood on that bridge at midnight
And gazed on that wave and sky!
How often, O, how often,
I had wished that the ebbing tide
Would bear me away on its bosom
O’er the ocean wild and wide!
For my heart was hot and restless,
And my life was full of care,
And the burden laid upon me
Seemed greater than I could bear.
But now it has fallen from me,
It is buried in the sea;
And only the sorrow of others
Throws its shadow over me.
Yet whenever I cross the river
On its bridge with wooden piers,
Like the odor of brine from the ocean
Comes the thought of other years.
And I think how many thousands
Of care-encumbered men,
Each bearing his burden of sorrow,
Have crossed the bridge since then.
I see the long procession
Still passing to and fro,
The young heart hot and restless,
And the old subdued and slow!
And forever and forever,
As long as the river flows,
As long as the heart has passions,
As long as life has woes;
The moon and its broken reflection
And its shadows shall appear,
As the symbol of love in heaven,
And its wavering image here.
Until Today
I am always scheming about what is next. I’m sure it is, at least in part, a strength of mine. I planned a way and made my move to Spain. I wooed my partner and she and I are happily married. I am plotting my next career move as she and I rethink our financial future. Even in this, there is a time to stand still and appreciate what is past.
I am going to paraphrase an ancient text and, if you have heard it before, I want you to pretend you do not know it. Samuel was with his God, when an enemy battalion came against the people. But God thundered against the enemy and they were scattered. God’s people chased down the enemy troops and conquered them. Samuel placed a boulder in a prominent place to never forget the day. ¨From long ago until today God has helped us.” he declared.
The part that has really been lending me energy is this idea of “until today”. There is no direct reference to the future, but experience shows that the future is likely to be similar! “until today” forces us to pause our perspective in the present. Up until now, God has given me joy and happiness. My life has already been full of goodness. I want to dwell on that.
I led some awesome games in my English classes today and I started to imagine how great my future teaching can be once I integrate these games. But there is already happiness this day, even if I never get offered a chance to teach more classes.
On a way more exciting note, I am happily in love with my partner and we are expecting a baby. I am already dreaming of the future. Holding the baby, taking the baby hiking, teaching the baby. But there is already happiness this day. Already God has been good. Already I have lived so many joys and so many thrilling moments.
From long ago until today. A person ought to pause there before they scheme about the future. There is a joy to enjoying what has already come. I think it makes us happier people. And happiness is a pleasure we all enjoy.
Hot Winter Coffee
I lingered on the top of the crest, reluctant to leave the skyline view. My toes were a little numb and my head was starting to ache from the cold. The vast park stretched out behind me, sleeping in the Winter dawn. The palace in the distance was dark but the sky was lighting up bright orange behind its ancient walls. Casting a glow into the blue-black layer above. The promise of warmth finally won me over and I descended the crooked path to the walking trail.
This was a true morning of rest. It had been more than a week since my last sacred stroll through the dark morning silence. I have learned my way in the blindness of the pre-dawn trees. Back on the main trail, my footsteps were quick and long. I had almost turned back in the first icy moments of my trek and now I was eager to get out of the cold.
The metro was chugging to a stop as I waved my pass over the sensor so I hustled down the concrete steps. The mechanical warmth of the metal trolley was a welcome change and I felt my toes and my nose begin to thaw. One long stop and I was back on my block, walking downhill to the small cafe.
Luis greeted me as I pulled out a chair and asked if I would have what I always have. I sat content as my body continued to thaw and the news played silently above my right shoulder. Luis poured my coffee and added the steaming milk. His wife Jessy stepped out from the back with a small plate of pan con tomate. The world was warm and beautiful as I cupped the burning glass with my freezing fingers. My unchanging neighborhood cafe and the magic of a Winter coffee.
2 Years Deep
I notice people now, who don’t know how to ride my morning bus. And I think they are a little silly, because they don’t know how we operate. I prepare our family coffee based on what has been working best for me this Winter. Because I’m in charge of the coffee. If I am awake late or up early, I can find my clothes in the dark. They are in the same place I put them every day, organized by type. You have lived a version of this life as well. This is being two years deep into a change.
Two years is a pleasant mix between familiarity and novelty. Everything has a system but all the systems feel new. I know how to lead the students in my specific school in a classroom debate, but I will still be surprised by how they respond to the class. I know my wife will feel cared for when I make a special meal, but I still hear stories about family meals I never heard before. I think two years is a natural high in the change process.
I think about when my church used to send people to other countries to serve. I was always in awe of those opportunities. “Wow, you live in another country!” I thought. “You are serving people in another country!” The physical act of existing somewhere else was thrilling. But existing elsewhere is a pretty tiny goal. Two years into living in another country, I have started to ask myself. “What am I doing in this other country?” There is definitely more to being a blessing in a foreign country than living there! And two years in I am starting to figure out how to do more than live here.
My friend called me from Mexico the other day. He moved there one year before I moved to Spain. He went with some definite goals and some sense of what his time would look like trying to be helpful abroad. Three years in, he has seen enough of what his life is like to start imagining the future in Mexico. And the future he imagines is making him miss home. He misses being effective. He misses being a good communicator. He is weary of trying to live life in a second language.
This week I came across a new concept (Here): Lewin’s Change Theory. It posits three phases of change: Unfreeze, Change, Refreeze. If I look at it through the perspective of an international move, I see ways that I am living the refreeze. The tasks I had to learn to function here are becoming more customary. I can take care of my daily routines more quickly. I know better what decisions will bring success in Madrid. I am really enjoying this re-establishing of norms. I am excited to keep living this refreeze phase!
BiCommunal
Jeni’s alarm goes off for work. I wonder if she will snooze it once and I can sleep for ten extra minutes before we prep for the morning. My work week starts tomorrow, but I’m going to start my day early with my Monday routine. She will head North out of central Madrid and I will take a long walk through Casa de Campo. A few minutes tick by and I get out of bed to find a message from my aunt. I’ve been writing the family to ask for Thanksgiving recipes. Tis the Turkey season. I make the household coffee and my mother in law thanks me for the morning treat. It’s a role I am happy to play since most weekdays I’m the first one up.
The walk through the park is breathtaking - both from the sharp cold air and the color of the leaves as the sun rises. Normally I use this time to worship, but today I call an old friend from Pennsylvania. I’m surprised and happy to catch him. I show up dark and shadowed on our screens but the sun is high before we finish sharing our hearts.
I return on the metro, one long stop, and enter the cafeteria on my block. I sip a deliciously hot coffee and munch on a split white bread topped with blended tomato. I chat with Luis about my plans for the future: 4 years here in Spain, a span in Honduras, and my long awaited return to the USA. He tells me his wife, who runs the cafeteria with him, is from Honduras as well and that they’ve been together for seven years now. I pay him 2.90 for the breakfast and the Spanish tip and tell him it was a pleasure to see him.
I stop at home for a quick email check before my next project. One teacher has asked me to prep a vocab based lesson for tomorrow. I make a mental note and send another prof my outline of the lesson for our shared class. I listen to Hamilton while I work, plowing through the album for the 20th time on Spotify.
Then I’m off to the polleria with instructions from a family friend to find a turkey for our Madrid-style Thanksgiving. “Enter from calle Almazan, stop at the first polleria on your left, ask for Luis” ( a different Luis than this morning!). “The World Was Wide Enough” plays as I wait for the bus and I skip 4 songs backwards to hear Eliza forgive Alexander before his death. I find the meat stand and make a plan with the employee to take a fresh unfrozen Turkey home this Friday.
Then I’m off to our grocery store Mercadona for a missing item. I grab it and pay because I’m not in a mood to shop nor to spend money. I start digitally spinning the album Hadestown as I exit the store. As Hermes explains his epic myth I begin to realize I’m clinging to pieces of my first home this week. Looking for ways to feel close to my birth family and my first culture. At the traffic light I notice the box is flashing “press to cross” and the lady next to me (apparently) hasn’t pressed it. I press the button and laugh as I take the English lyrics off of my ears. I chat with her in Spanish as she explains that she’s hit that button a few times but nothing has happened. I tell her it was broken a week ago and that maybe it’s still not working. We both laugh and decide we’ll need to cross without the traffic light.
I think back over my morning which has been a strange mix of being present and seeking out my distant loved ones. Other days I will be more centered but today I am delighted by the chance to reach back and reach out. I’m a foreigner living in Madrid. And I’m learning to embrace both of the truths in that statement.
The Home We Left
I think that human development has built in course correction. I cannot summon up the angsty need to fix the world that pained me when I was a teenager. I see the same broken world and the same massive needs at 33 and my responses are much more practical. My friends tell me about their dreams to move to a new (new again) country or invite me to see their homeland. I think about how ridiculously happy I am with the people and places that are already in my life. I think about the fact that the only traveling I want to do for the next ten years is the traveling that is bringing me to one of my past or present hometowns. There is a path from birth to adulthood of being cared for, breaking free, and seeking what we left. And it seems like our bodies know it.
I am in the midst of the greatest adventure of my life and I am loving it! I changed countries 14 months ago, got married 5 months ago, and my wife and I are strategizing how to best make a living in a country neither of us were born in. But the goal I can’t stop thinking about is our hope that four years from now we will find a way to spend more time with my parents and siblings.
My grandma is preparing to move across the country so that she can see more of my Mom after decades on the other side of the USA. My aunt is getting ready to make the same move. My neighbor, who decided to leave home at all costs, is toying with the idea of moving back to the state we grew up in - a master’s degree and a tour of duty after his great escape.
If I could only add one thing to the life I am making as a young man, it would be the physical local presence of all my loved ones. My parents and grandparents, siblings, and cousins. My aunts and uncles and the relatives beyond those titles. My friends from each phase of life. And while I was at it I would add in my old teachers and my old bosses. Everyone that cared enough to shape me into the man I am today.
This is a new feeling and it’s smacking me like a 10 foot wave. It’s so new that I don’t know what kind of conclusions to make about it. But I’m pretty sure there’s something programmed into me that’s guiding me along.
I Become Death
Halloween was always both fun and controversial in my community. My dad pastored a church throughout our childhood and we were always careful not to create a townwide ruccus with rumors of "demon worshiping pastor's kids". Our costumes were carefully picked but splendid. And, since we were careful with money, the costumes stayed available in our home for any other day we might want to dress up.
The skeleton onesie with 3D glow in the dark bones is my fondest costume memory. For years after buying it, the cheap rubber bones smelled sweet like desserts. It was somehow scary and pleasantly aromatic at the same time! I also love recalling the altered suit jacket I used, sticking my head through the buttons, to give the impression that I was a headless monster. I never thought to dramatize it as a beheading and my parents never suggested it. I think that costume took them to the edge of their comfort zones.
This year my work invited me to dress up for Halloween and I tried to decide what to wear. Now grown, I agreed with my family's decision to avoid celebrations of evil. I figured I might as well avoid fake weapons too since I work at a school. I saw, as I shopped, various cheap skeleton and ghost-face masks. And non-descript capes. It dawned on me; this year I would go as Death.
I am convinced that Death is a conquered enemy. It is a fearsome expectation that every human must prepare to face. Death has caused me immense pain and I am sure it will do so again. But I believe in a life after death with Jesus. The more I thought about the costume, the more content I was with the decision. I would go as something awful but true. Something devastating that I will eventually overcome.
And true to my nerd essence, I found a way to add classic literature to my costume. This was one of my favorite parts of the day! In my Halloween disguise I was offering introductions to amazing works of art. I stenciled red lined quotes onto my blank white mask, sharing some of my favorite authors and works. I want to finish this post with a sampling of these quotes.
“Until the dead alone seem living…” My all time favorite poet describes, perhaps, a class reunion in his work called “The Meeting”. Many of the once thriving community are dead and the reminiscing of the day makes those who have gathered feel less alive than those who have passed away.
“Until the moss covered up our lips” Emily Dickinson beautifully equates the concepts of truth and of beauty in her poem ¨I died for beauty -but was scarce”
“Because I could not stop for death” Dickinson again. A haunting but unconcerned depiction of being carried away by death
“Every man at his best state is but vapor”. A Psalm from the book of Psalms noting the brevity of life and asking God for wisdom. The imagery of a vapor has stayed with me for years after reading it.
“There is no remembrance of former things” An amazing description of life's futility from the first chapter of Ecclesiastes.
“Ask not for whom the bell tolls” This line was repeatedly quoted to me by an old friend. As I prepared my costume I found out the line comes from some lesser known writing of John Donne. An interesting piece to read and this one line has become infamous.
“Death smiles at all men. All we can do is smile back” Somehow I forgot to put this quote on my mask! This is one of my favorite perspectives on the nature of life and death. The first time I came across it was from the movie Gladiator. This movie is an unforgettable story exploring the well lived life and life beyond the grave.
ReAlignment for 33
I have been feeling mopey this week. Low on energy and demotivated. It happens in my life from time to time with various levels of negativity. Usually this occurs when I am in the middle of an extended life experience and my mind is not busy syncing new information. Especially once my job has become routine and I know how to do my day to day work. It is something I need to start addressing because marrying and starting a family comes with increasing levels of stability and routine. So this morning I took a big picture look at my life. Four days before my 33rd birthday with a coffee and a pan con tomate.
“What matters to me (with wisdom)”? I looked at that question penned onto my page and figured it was a pretty good way to go about looking at my existential angst. Other years I would have asked myself “What is most important in life?” “What is my purpose?” Healthy questions, but they neglect the importance of admitting my desires and needs. During less healthy years my guiding question was always “What will make people like and accept me?”
As I age I am purposefully moving away from my past perspectives. Even some that were cloaked in spiritual words. It’s a messy craft but it fascinates me. Keeping wisdom, discarding pseudo-wisdom. Keeping ideals, admitting inabilities.
The coffee was hot and fresh as I jotted down what matters to me in my life. I told myself to think with wisdom and not to let my discouragement produce a discouraged perspective. This was for guidance. This was a realignment.
Life with God (thankful for it, embrace it). This one is my starting point. Living in connection with the divine being, the one displayed in Jesus centuries ago. Worship God flows from the first. Since God is more awesome than anything else around, responding with words and lifestyles that honor God.
Next I put See My Identity. It felt a little selfish to put it so high on the list, but seeking honesty it felt like it had to be next. I have to know who I am to live out the rest of what matters to me. And if I see my identity I live in my community without trying to manipulate people into creating my identity.
Love Jeni. To me this is an amazing pleasure and a massive responsibility. To love the one I found as a partner. I cherish her and I seek to bless her. I am stunned by the extreme happiness her love has brought me!
I think those four show my most immediate values as I turn thirty three. If I stop the reflection there it is an accurate but incomplete view. It’s missing one massive piece and two subpoints in the mental puzzle.
Love My family and My People. It is one step less immediate than my day to day life with my partner, but it is of massive importance. I cherish the family that raised me and stays with me to this day. I cherish some beautiful people I met as I grew, and the new family I married into this Summer.
Then the subpoints that give guidance to the earlier values: Prepare and Provide, Enjoy Pleasures. As a husband I want to plan our family’s future wisely with Jeni and I want to focus my energy on providing for that future. Skipping luxuries, choosing expenses. I want to get ready for what is to come. And lastly enjoying pleasures. I don’t want them to drive my life, but I also want to enjoy good pleasures. Some time playing guitar, a hike in the woods, a book that absorbs my mind.
I took my breakfast plate up to the manager and paid for my meal. Last week I told him I lived next door so this week we chatted as I paid. I had not killed the negativity in my mind, but I had shone a light onto the darkness. I am going to keep that light shining because my 33rd year is going to be full of life to live.
As a second perspective, I add here a quote from Tolstoy’s 1859 novela Family Happiness. I learned of it from the video telling of “Into the Wild” and it has clung to me since I first heard it. It is from the perspective of an older man on the cusp of starting a relationship:
“I have lived through much, and now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good, and who are not accustomed to have it done to them; then work which one hopes may be of some use; then rest, nature, books , music, love for one's neighbor - such is my idea of happiness. And then, on top of all that, you for a mate, and children, perhaps - what more can the heart of a man desire?”